I have a few posts I’m planning/working on for later in the week. I didn’t have anything I needed or really felt like I wanted to write about today. But of course, live has a funny way of jumping in and changing our wants and needs and all of the things we have planned to do.

This morning I read this post from Raechel Myers and I can’t explain why I felt it — but as I was reading it, I felt this tug at my heart. This post has been resonated with me all day, especially the part where Raechel so simply and eloquently writes

And I would probably wonder out loud – will I always ache for another girl? Even if I had a dozen more, will my heart always feel like one is missing?

I, of course, wonder the same thing. Will her face forever be one that I seek? Will I always miss her and long to know the weight of her body in my arms?

Later on in the day, I got to meet up with my friend Jaimie and spend about an hour with her and her new little baby, J. It’s fun to see how much babies change so quickly and J certainly has changed since she was born two weeks ago. Her face has filled out and she’s lost some of that weird, red, wrinkly newbornness.

Jaimie’s aunt was holding her for a while and eventually they passed the baby to me. Seriously, pure heaven, holding a tiny little baby. I shifted J in my arms because she was all scrunched up uncomfortably against me and once we had achieved the perfect snuggle position, I chatted with everyone else in the room. At one point, Jaimie’s aunt looked at me and said, “Oh, I just have to tell you, you look so natural and right holding her. You’re just rubbing her belly and you look like a pro.” I looked down and yes, I was just stroking the baby’s little belly to soothe her while she slept. I made a quick quip about how many of my friends have really young kids, and of course my sister, and maybe soon it would be my baby, so I know how to hold and soothe and love on these little people.

And the ache. I felt it then. I feel it now.

It’s changed, that ache. In July it was a horrible, painful, keeing ache. An ache that symbolized all that I had lost in the life of a the girl I chose to end. And it’s different now. God has removed so much of that pain and allowed my to feel a healthy sense of grief and sorrow. He’s given me the ability to actually grieve, all the while accepting His forgiveness and grace for the sin in my life.

But still…I know the way Raechel felt as she wrote her words:

And I would probably wonder out loud – will I always ache for another girl? Even if I had a dozen more, will my heart always feel like one is missing?

Even though our losses are so drastically different — hers through sickness and mine through abortion — we both grieve for these girls we will never know on Earth. We both know the weight of empty arms and the sorrow of tears cried in dark nights and days we recognize as days children would love — the snow days and beach days and sunny days and lovely fall days.

And sometimes I can’t help but wonder: will I get any girl? Was this one my chance? I love those babies in my life because the Lord has given me a place in their life and I am so lucky to love them. But will I ever love a little red-headed girl of my own? I don’t know, and if not, then I feel blessed to get to love my Kayley and my Charisse and my Peyton and my Gwenny and my J. These are my girls and I will love them no matter what.

I guess what I am saying is that I am so thankful for the way God has really been present in my life since this whole healing process is something that I really allowed myself to go through, and no matter what come may come for me in the next weeks and months and years, I know that God is and will continue to be present. That gives me such comfort because even though that keening ache from months ago is gone, I know my heart will ache in the days to come. Knowing I can trust and lean on His words and promises is what will get me through.

2 thoughts on “keening

  1. Raechel (@raechelmyers) says:

    Good morning, Krista. Sitting with you this morning and praying for you in your own specific place. You are a daughter of the High King, and he wants to rain all kinds of blessings into your life for His glory. Now, just the trusting and the waiting to see what exactly that will look like. Hugs.

    • Krista says:

      Thank you, Raechel. Your comment — and prayers! — mean so much to me. I look back at this place He has brought me, through tears and anger and so much pain, and I can see how very GOOD it is. So I will trust and wait to where He has yet to bring me. :)

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